Redefining "Normal"

So what is normal anyway?

My normal, if I could define "my normal" would be most other people's "insane."

At least that's how I always feel.

But then I remember that we're all people. Normal people.

And I find fleeting encouragement in that thought. That we're all normal. That is, right before I hear another squall from one of my kids, or notice the puppy's peed in the kitchen, or realize the meat for dinner is spoiled.

But these are all normal things. Right?

Yes, right!

I saw this today and immediately loved its message.

Moments after seeing this image, I was reading a blog I've been following for several months now and the message repeatedly being pounded into my tender heart was yet again affirmed.

The writer said, "Does life stand in line behind the young and the needs, take its turn after their hungry souls? Are my children deeply nourished?"

She's asking if we put them first, before chores and entertainment and EVERYTHING. And I must confess. No. I know I don't. So, without wasting another moment writing to you, dear friends, tonight. I return to my sweet calling: my husband, my children, my precious family.

Much love.

When God says "I told you so"

So we knew last Fall that our path was being redefined. We knew God was shifting our direction. And we were eager to follow.

I used to think we were called (to a certain extent) to be a nomadic family. I rationalized that it must be a calling because I tend to love it and hate it all at the same time. And, now that the kids are getting older and have well defined friendships and academic expectations, it is certainly getting harder with each move. 10 moves in 12 years can jade a person.

But then we see a glimmer of God's hand. And His movement. And we are stunned in amazement. And we quickly follow. Probably too quickly, but the urgency to chase God's will is overwhelming and inescapable.

In our haste we endure an emotional roller coaster: grave internal turmoil with fear, worry, constant recalculation, unending cycle of "what ifs," momentary elation and confidence, fleeting encouragement.

Despite me getting my job, Pat getting his part time job at Apple, us finding All Saints Church, the kids settling in at their new school, us finding a great apartment that we could afford, we still worried. We still wondered if we made the right move at the right moment.

All until that one moment when we know without a doubt, that we are squarely where God intended us (despite our ignorance and unavoidable tendency to screw things up), God punctuated our worry with the finality only He could provide, encouraging us beyond measure.

Dear friends, this past week held that moment of affirmation.

God gave Pat a new job.

A job where Pat will be surrounded by men of God. A job where Pat will be able to serve constantly in ministry, supporting the leadership, membership, and community of All Saints Church. A job where Pat will have consistent hours, enabling him to better support our family and freeing us up financially for ministry. A job where Pat will have more time at home with our family. Serving the church and serving the Lord - it is Pat's passion, it is what God made him for.

God is amazing. And good. And we will continue to serve and worship He who is worthy. Thanks be to God! If it weren't the season of Lent, I'd go ahead and cry out "Alleluia!"

Well, I guess I already did! 

Lent. A new perspective for me.

Lent. What is it and why are people always "giving something up" for it?

My husband has taught me well that fasting is a matter of the heart. And when we claim to eagerly give up chocolate or sweet drinks or meat as our great sacrifice for lent I step back and immediately question the motivation behind such proclamations. I believe the Lord does care that we are healthy for His work, but I doubt he cares much at all about you looking good or losing that last five pounds. So, are you doing it for Him or for yourself?

Why are we reluctant to "give up" the significant things? Deceitfulness. Selfishness. Bitterness. Perpetual dejection. Because it actually does require something of us? Because it makes us feel? Makes us uncomfortable? It gives us the chance to grow (if we let it).

Instead of "giving something up" for lent I'm considering "putting something on"and I'd love to hear your comments and suggestions about such ideas.

I'm horrible at making eye contact (deep-seated insecurities buried in the dark places of my heart) so I was considering "putting on" self confidence with the motivation of fostering more genuine relationships. I don't know when I initially realized this about myself. It's been years. And no matter how I've tried in the past, I struggled to maintain eye contact during conversations. I'm quick to look away, look down, fiddle with something just so I don't have to look up.

There's just something about eye contact that I find immensely intimidating. There's a lot of hurt and pain behind those eyes that I want to keep hidden, fueling my fear of judgment, acceptance, and self-preservation. It's been a hard lesson to learn that my attempt at self-preservation leads to consistent disconnection with those who love me, friends who want to get to know me better, friends I want to get to know better, and so on.

So I'm going to do something about it. With the Lord's help. For the glory of God. That my desire to abandon my fear and embrace who He wants me to be may be fleshed out with intentional action.

I encourage you, too, to brave the upcoming season of Lent and make an impact on who you are in Christ. Be free. Glorify God.

And back to the what and why of Lent, I graciously defer to those smarter than me.

Find good suggestions for lent here. And guess what, there's an app for that!

The pain within. Happy birthday to the son I"ll never know.

Happy birthday to the son I'll never know.

I never had the chance to tell you how special you were to me.

I never had the opportunity to hear your voice.

I never was able to get to know you in any way.

But, I know you were loved. I know you knew you were important because I chose life. And I know you knew exactly who you were in Christ.

And yet, in a moment of deep dispair, you made a decision that will forever shape who I am and all those around you. And I grieve.

And yet, there is hope. And God is glorified. And people grow closer and love deeper because of you.

Rest in peace, sweet Jeffrey.

Psalm 103:8-17

The Lord is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry forever. He does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve. For his unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust. Our days on earth are like grass; like wildflowers, we bloom and die. The wind blows, and we are gone--as though we had never been here. But the love of the Lord remains forever with those who fear him. His salvation extends to the children's children.

Valentine's. A year of redemption.

Each year when Valentine's Day comes around, I find myself pondering deep thoughts of all the different "loves" in my life. I bet many of us do this.

My "loves" encompass everything from my adoring husband to my precious children to talents God's entrusted unto me to our church to our family, our friends, and more.

I revel in how blessed I am. And I am humbled.

I revel in how God's love is evident in every aspect of my life, even when life is hard. And I am amazed.

-Last year I don't even remember Valentines.
-Two years ago my world was upside down and I didn't even know it.
-Four years ago, God surprised us with Johnny.
-Twelve years ago, I was as giddy as a schoolgirl, planning my wedding... (okay-I WAS a schoolgirl planning my wedding!)
-Today, I eagerly profess my "loves" and find the affirmation of God's love peppered throughout my very existence.

Here's a poem I discovered from a fellow blogger:

I Love Because I'm Loved

Oh, how I'd tried to love You Lord

In deed, in word, in praise,

But all had failed to satisfy

Until You'd changed my ways

You'd told me I must drop it all

My efforts won't suffice

Then face Your love, with an empty soul

That's stripped of all disguise

With love, that cannot be described

By any words of men

You'd filled my soul, erased my fears

Each longing satisfied

And in my heart as a response

There rose a tidal wave

Of passion I could not control

For God who longs to save

I see not love comes not from me

It only passes through

You're the beginning and the end

Of all the love that's true

We can do nothing without You

No need to plead or fuss

We're only able to love You

Because You first loved us.

Friends, you are loved.

And there's more love than you could ever imagine just waiting to burst out of you.

Who am I and what am I for?

What has shaped me? What have I experienced that makes me who I am? Hardships, joys, love-these are all powerful things which have a great impact on developing who we are. So who am I and what am I for?

I am loved. I am appreciated.
I an wounded. I am weak.
I am patient. I am impatient.
I am a servant. I am selfish.
I am still learning. I am a teacher.
I am an example, not always a good one.
I am a child of the Most High God.

I was made to learn to love like God loves. And though this may seem very simple, it affects every part of who I am and I have a lot to learn and a long way to go.

Children DO Grow Up!

My beautiful children are growing up right before my eyes!

This weekend we had the opportunity to spend Sunday afternoon with a family we actually lived with for almost a year. Their boys, now 10 and 13, have always been very close to our Jimmy, 9, and even Julie, also 10. With the school holiday today, we had the boys spend the night to give them all more time together and it was amazing to just watch their maturing interactions.

After watching an evening tv show together, I began getting the little kids ready for bed and, without fussing about loosing the play space the bedrooms provide, they simply asked to go play cards at the dining room table. I was shocked but immediately approved their request and they proceeded downstairs while I finished the bedtime routine with the little two.

When I arrived downstairs, I watched amazed for the next 90 minutes as they played Uno Attack like a group of ol' buddies without the bickering, fighting, yelling, and fussing I've been used to since they met 6 years ago! It is amazing watching my children grow up through all sorts of different, challenging, weird, never-ending, and wonderful phases into the people they're designed to be. I'm so thankful for our four children and for all their friends.